top of page
Search

Happy Chinese New Year! šŸ®šŸ°

  • Jan 22, 2023
  • 12 min read


This year, the symbolism of Chinese New Year goes far beyond the traditional red envelope and the dragon dance for me. Being Chinese is the first thing people see when they look at me and is an integral part of my cultural roots. But being an intrinsic unit of the Chinese diaspora has been a constant roller-coaster ride of challenges, obstacles, and battles.


1999-2023: my life as a Chinese


My Dad started teaching me Traditional Chinese when I was 3 with cards he handcrafted himself. With a black Sharpie marker, he had Chinese characters neatly written down on one side and the English meaning in his signature non-cursive writing on the other. That was my first memory of learning Chinese. Thanks to my Dadā€™s first home-school lessons, I went on to excel in extracurricular Chinese classes for 8 years!



Grade 1 to 3 - Ɖcole Ć©lĆ©mentaire Aristide Briand B (94220, Charenton-le-Pont, France)


In elementary school, I was the perfect example of a Chinese kid living in the suburbs of Paris, France (Charenton-le-Pont, 94220). I was 1 of 2 or 3 Chinese students at the school. I was hardworking. I won 1st place in a contest in Grade 3. I tried my best to fit in and stay out of trouble. And yes! I, too, went through the stereotypical extracurriculars Chinese parents would put their kids in. Solfeggio, choir, drawing, painting, piano, swimming, basketball, aeromodelling, flight simulator classes (some may seem unorthodox, but stillā€¦). At home, I spoke Chinese. Mandarin to my Mom and sister, Cantonese to my Dad. At school, I spoke French to my teachers, classmates, and friends. Normal right? At the time, I spoke Chinese more fluently than French. And Iā€™m not ashamed to say I spoke French with a faint Chinese accent for the first 7 to 8 years of my life.



Grade 4 - Century Public School (Nepean, Canada)


In the Summer of 2008, Pascale and I touched down on Canadian soil (from France) without knowing a single word of English. I think my parents intentionally threw us into this cold bath of language shock. On the first day of school, Pascale and I got off the school bus. On our short walk toward the school, I see a white sign with the following words: "Kindergarten & Grade 1". I had no idea what "Kindergarten" meant. So, we continued walking. After a few steps, I realized "Grade 1" (as in the first grade in elementary school) was where Pascale should have gone. So, we made a U-turn, headed back to where the sign was, and I dropped Pascale off. I believe the experience of not understanding a new country's language on the first day of school is something every newcomer kid can relate to.



I then made my way to the school's library, where the 2 Grade-4 teachers (Mr. Scott Macklin and Mr. Sean McCann) were waiting on fourth graders (aka me) to roll call. I believe God orchestrated the whole process for me to be in Mr. McCann's class. I wouldn't be the person/student I am today if it weren't for the numerous things he taught me (e.g.: honesty, basketball, proper typing skills, brainstorming, visualization, essay writing, etc.). There's just no way I ended up in that class coincidentally. God's Work!


I could write a whole article about my year at Century Public School!
(drop a comment if you'd like me to do so šŸ˜Š)

At Century Public School, I was the only Chinese girl in my class of 20 students (2 new girls not pictured):



Mr. McCann (pictured far-right in the class photo) was/is a teacher and a basketball coach. In 10 months' time, I got the opportunity to learn the following things under him. And 14 years later, I still vividly remember them:


English

  • the meaning of many words in English I knew nothing about (e.g.: wealthy, shelter, pulleys & gears, rainforest);

  • English grammar (where I used my knowledge of French grammar to shine and even assist in explaining a little);

  • how to brainstorm & how to visualize;

  • how to write an essay (introduction, paragraph 1, paragraph 2, paragraph 3, conclusion);

Maths

  • fractions;

Geography

  • 10 provinces & 3 territories;

  • 5 Great Lakes (memo: HOMES);

  • how to use Google Earth;

Computer / Technology

  • how to use Google Charts;

  • how to type properly using "Dance Mat Typing";

  • how to use Garageband & record an ad on it (e.g.: penguins & ice hotels);

  • the power of Twitter & social media;

History / Politics

  • the importance of elections (e.g.: the Obama 2008 "Yes, We Can" campaign);


Song: "You Can Vote However You Like" (performed by the Ron Clark Academy)


  • the Civil Rights movement in Canada & the US;

  • Terry Fox;

Sports

  • how to skate;

  • how to shoot a lay-up, how to shoot a basketball for a jump shot;

  • how to be a multi-sport athlete (e.g.: basketball, soccer, American football, dodgeball, track & field, wooden snowshoeing, etc.).


To Mr. McCann, I'll forever be grateful to you for the best and most fun academic year of my life! You're the reason I'm as athletic as I am. You're the reason I can type as fast as I do. And you're the reason my written skills in English are as great as they may seem. Thank you!



Just like any newcomer arriving in a new country, I had to take ESL (English as Second Language) classes every week. If I remember correctly, I graduated from Mrs. Krebs' ESL class in just 6 months, after handing in an essay I wrote in English.


Mrs. Bilodeau (pictured far-left in the class photo), a teacher's assistant who speaks both English and French, played a huge part in helping me get accustomed to the new school setting. Earlier on in the school year, she would often interpret things that were said in English into French for me to understand. During interclass, I would often find myself going to her office with some of my classmates to hang out (but mostly for the snacks and candies she distributed). I just felt special and cared for around Mrs. Bilodeau. It is the people who help you along the way that make your stay that much more special.


In my yearbook, I remember Brodie Thomsen (pictured second row, far-right) congratulating me on being the second-best basketball player in the class (behind Farhad Hyderi, the boy sitting next to me). At the time, Brodie's message meant a lot when I read it. An 8-or-9-year-old boy had somewhat seen greatness in my athletic skills. That compliment gave me the confidence to pursue the happiness and joy I had in playing basketball.


2 to 3 years later, I got drafted to "La DomrƩmy Basket 13" after a 2-week basketball camp. I practiced and trained for 6 months before injuries to my knees and ankles prevented me from playing the sport I love on a competitive level. Thankfully, I still get to play it as a hobby.


Grade 6 - LycƩe Camille SƩe (75015, Paris, France) - English International Section


Toward the end of my 5th-Grade school year and upon parent-teacher meetings, my parents were willing to give me an opportunity to take an entry exam (both written and oral) for an English International program. ā€œWe have nothing to loseā€, or so they thought. To my parentsā€™ greatest surprise, I was admitted. I was only 11 with just 1 year of education in English under my belt.


With the confidence I had in being admitted to a very good school, I felt I could take on the world. I dreamed of becoming the next President of China (aka Hu Jintaoā€™s successor). I had plans on how to make adjustments and improve Chinese society and lifestyle. I deeply cared about my people. I wanted to make China great again. 


I later found out (in Grade 8, at Moulin des PrĆ©s) I learned stuff in Grade 6 at Camille SĆ©e that Moulin des PrĆ©s students only learned in Grade 8?! šŸ˜³

At Camille SĆ©e, I was the only Chinese girl in a class of 19-20 students. I was always the better writer and the better artist (overall, the better student). I was the most athletic girl in my class. I remember doing a cross-over to one of the boys during PE class when we played handball. I was so proud of my athletic skills. My favorite part in all this was exceeding expectations. As I begin to reminisce, I figure - I actually did break some stereotypes, but wasn't fully aware of it at the time. I was trying to make the most out of this memorable and breakthrough school year.


Grade 7 to 9 - CollĆØge Moulin des PrĆ©s (75013, Paris, France) - English European Section


Everything changed when I changed schools the next year. I was severely bullied from grade 7 to 9 for being the new (and only) Chinese girl at the school. 他们要äŗ†ęˆ‘ēš„命啊! I spent 3 years hating myself for simply being Chinese. At Aristide Briand, I was very lightly mocked for being Chinese. The basic ā€˜slanted Chinese eyes hand-gestureā€™ & ā€˜voice imitation of a Chinese ninjaā€™. Yet, I was still somewhat subconsciously proud to be Chinese. At Moulin des PrĆ©s, bullying went way beyond racist mockery! I found myself being the subject of emotional and/or physical abuse almost every day. I couldnā€™t stand being Chinese anymore!




The following text is a caption I wrote for an Instagram post (published on January 23rd, 2021) about my bullying experience. The process of writing it down is, what I consider to be, the first step in healing from the traumatic experience.


My IG handle: @noelle_kaan


Title: Finding hope after dark times



Finding hope after dark times For 3 years in [middle school], I've been subject to bullying. Dirty looks & name-calling escalated to emotional & physical bullying. I dreaded recess. Blond & skinny, I knew MC'd somehow cross path with me & whisper hurtful words to my face. 1 time, I was walking down the stairs, a Black boy (MC right beside LM) tripped me. I remember hearing my knees hit the concrete floor with a big thud. Pain-struck, I couldnā€™t get up but found out LM had ripped my sweatpants. [Baptiste Kermarrec] & [Lucas Tonet] were nice enough to help me up. I limped heavily on my 50-step walk to the gym. Thankfully, my PE teacher was kind enough to let me rest. Told my Mom what had happened. She decided to meet with the school consultant. He told my Mom I was the "problem" (excuse me!) when she raised valid concerns about bullying under his supervision. Evidence for how adults let children down - a constant battle for parents of children whoā€™ve committed suicide from bullying. The aftermath of being bullied for 3 years laid heavily on me during my [high school] years. Had trust issues. Lost confidence in myself. Suffered from anxiety, still do. I'd inflict self-harm to ease my inner pain & often had suicidal thoughts. Fortunately, I courageously shared my dark feelings to [Judith Lin] & [Pascale Kaan]. They showed genuine care & understanding. I believe God placed them in my life according to His Plans. [Judith Lin]'s taught me to open myself to people & stand up for myself. [Pascale Kaan]'s taught me to be my unique self & shine God's Light to others. In Sept. 2018, I found hope & meaning in life thru [Rachel Challenge]ā€™s story. It was like finding light after a long pitch-black tunnel. I can only imagine what [Craig Scott] went thru after losing 2 friends & a big sister. I told myself if Craig was able to turn his life around after a tragedy, then I could too. I turned to God & Scriptures for spiritual healing. Musicā€™s therapy for me, so listening to Christian music was helpful. Thereā€™s ALWAYS hope. Itā€™s thru suffering that 1 becomes a stronger & more resilient person. "suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope" (Romans 5:3-5).


Grade 10 to 12 - LycƩe Gabriel FaurƩ (75013, Paris, France) - Chinese Oriental Section



Due to my unfortunate bullying experience at Moulin des PrĆ©s, I became a šŸŒ in high school. Yellow on the outside, white on the inside. I physically stood out as Chinese but Westernized myself by speaking as much French as I could. I went as far as picking up French urban slang (all "clean" though) and talking like a true suburban in my last 2 years of high school. I wanted nothing to do with being Chinese or fitting in that box. This is paradoxical because I was admitted to my high school (located in the heart of Chinatown) by a Chinese written exam for a Chinese civilization program.



The way I held myself in class in my last 2 years of high school was, in itself, a rebellious response to the way I was treated in middle school. Coming fresh out of a 3-year traumatic ordeal was nothing but haunting. I started to inflict self-harm in Grade 11 to ease my inner pain. I had so much anger, so much rage bottled up. I thought the world owed me everything after what I'd gone through. I can attest that mental health, self-injury, and suicidal thoughts are taboo topics Asian parents aren't equipped enough to discuss. I wish the saying, "time heals all wounds", was true. But the journey had just begun for me!



Over time, I started to embrace the fact I was Chinese. Being around Chinese friends, speaking the language, eating Chinese food, etc. I started to feel comfortable around Chinese people. It gave me confidence (sometimes too much) and a sense of "belonging". I wasn't subject to any judgment or nasty mockery. I didn't have to "fit in". I could be me. And for once in my life, it was enough!!


Cimorelli - I Am Enough (Official Lyric Video)



Underdog mentality & activism



Jeremy Lin and Natalie Chou taught me to guard my underdog mindset. I've always loved keeping the tricks up my sleeves a secret. Itā€™s an INDESCRIBABLE feeling when you (as a visible minority) surprise/shock people with your secret talents, your multilingual skills, your cultural background - whatever it may be. Caucasians may see this as a threat, but I absolutely love it! Being confident and staying humble is the way to go!


Video: "Lin's Long Trip" (NBA YouTube channel)


Jeremy Lin in his documentary "Linsanity" (2013):

I love being the underdog, just because I'm used to it.


I look up to Jeremy Lin for breaking stereotypes and cultural barriers. Back in 2012, he was the first Asian-American to play in the NBA. He was constantly faced with adversity and criticism for being a trailblazer, let alone doubted his whole life. It takes great courage and faith to overcome these everyday-life obstacles (I'm aware, it's easier said than done).


Video: "The Emergence of Jeremy Lin" (NBA YouTube channel)


One thing I admire about Jeremy Lin is using his platform to be vocal and outspoken on topics he deems worth fighting for. Ever since the Asian Hate Crimes in the United States (including the tragic deaths of Asian elderlies across the nation and the senseless killings of Asian women in a spa in Atlanta), Jeremy Lin has represented the Asian community extremely well. He promoted the "Stop Hate AAPI" (Asian American Pacific Islander) campaign during Covid-19, and continues to do so. Now, he is seeking change in the Asian-American community.


Jeremy Lin writes in a Facebook post:

Something is changing in this generation of Asian Americans. We are tired of being told that we don't experience racism, we are tired of being told to keep our heads down and not make trouble. We are tired of Asian American kids growing up and being asked where they're REALLY from, of having our eyes mocked, of being objectified as exotic or being told we're inherently unattractive. We are tired of the stereotypes in Hollywood affecting our psyche and limiting who we think we can be. We are tired of being invisible, of being mistaken for our colleague or told our struggles aren't as real. I want better for my elders who worked so hard and sacrificed so much to make a life for themselves here. I want better for my niece and nephew and future kids. I want better for the next generation of Asian American athletes than to have to work so hard to just be "deceptively athletic." Being an Asian American doesn't mean we don't experience poverty and racism. Being a 9 year NBA veteran doesn't protect me from being called "coronavirus" on the court. Being a man of faith doesn't mean I don't fight for justice, for myself and for others. So here we are again, sharing how we feel. Is anyone listening?

I believe being a source of mockery as a visible minority and a former victim of bullying has played a major role in how I view justice. Over the years, I've used silence as a weapon to resist peacefully. Now, I'm learning to voice out my frustrations on matters I consider to be unfair, unacceptable, and unjust. With that being said, I find it easier to stand up for others than to stand up for myself. I believe the road to a better world (regardless of one's skin color, faith, political views, etc.) is a long way ahead. But, I'm convinced, every step-by-step progress and action draws us nearer to the ultimate goal.


You can read an article I wrote, entitled "All Lives Matter", where I discuss the topic of police brutality toward the African-American community and racism toward Asian-Americans:


Closing remarks


Let me leave you with the following Bible verse:


"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because Godā€™s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5:3-5 - NIV).

It once was Jeremy Lin's favorite Bible verse. Being a huge fan of his since 2012, I wanted to have the same favorite Bible verse as him. Never in a million years would I've thought a Bible verse could save my life. So, if ever you feel like giving up, try to read the above verse and meditate on it. Romans 5:3-5 is a message of HOPE! Remember, there is ALWAYS hope if you give life a chance.



Comments

Drop Me a Line, Let Me Know What You Think

Thanks for submitting!

© 2023 Noëlle Kaan. Proudly created with Wix.com

bottom of page